As soon as I arrived to Australia, my first cycle was super painful... I remember writhing in the bathroom and dragging myself around the house because being close to the floor was the only thing that calmed me down a bit. Very intense... all sweaty, at the same time that feeling cold, vomiting, diarrhea, all together... And so on for eleven more moons. There were months that it was a little less, but still very strong. And each Moon I said to myself: "Well if the next one is the same, I will see a doctor." I postponed it because within me I knew that a large part of this painful journey on a physical level spoke of pain in my deepest Being. And that I just needed time to heal and integrate. But when it was six months like this, I decided to go to the gynecologist. More than anything because that pain was not normal for me, since my cycles in my past years had been almost without discomfort. The doctor told me that because of my symptoms, surely I had endometriosis and that one of the solutions was to take birth control pills or get pregnant. The truth is that when I was 21, I took pills for a month and I felt so bad that I stopped. So that was not an option. And getting pregnant, less than less! I left the doctor's office really distressed and more lost than before. But I also came out with the certainty that I wanted to give myself a little more time before making a decision of a “more medical nature” or receiving that diagnosis as true. Because deep down I hadn't done a thorough study to find out whether or not I actually had endometriosis. What I did know from X-rays and for several years was that I had little cysts that came and went all the time. In the moments of greatest stress and demand on myself, the cysts appeared, and in the moments in which I was more rooted and in connection with all of me, they dissolved.
And in this particular case, I knew, I felt that my uterus was processing that I moved from my country as well as healing very deeply my lineage, my roots, my sense of home and my relationship with enjoyment, trust, desire, and fluidity, among others. So I gave myself time... And together with my therapy and other valuable tools I gave myself space to reflect, to listen, to feel and allow all the anger, frustration, sadness, uncertainty, find their way. In order to reconnect with my creativity, with love and self-acceptance once again.
And little by little all that uterine pain diminished. For four moons I have not felt pain or swelling. Perhaps a little annoyance, which invites me to sit down and stay more still. But I no longer need to crawl or vomit to purge what I am not being able to digest or express in another way.
By this I am not saying that I am cured… because in my understanding there is no such thing as being sick or being healthy. We should resignify the concept of disease and health as something fixed to obtain, as a place to reach, or as an ideal far from reality. Because we are living organisms that are in constant movement and transformation.
And I do not want to say that if you feel pain at the time of bleeding, do not consult the gynecologist. Rather, you can work more fully with all your bodies. And that you are not a freak if all of you is expressing yourself through this part of the body and feeling pain or imbalances. Many of us suffer from disorganization and uterine issues, because all of us to a greater or lesser extent share a collective wound of the sacred feminine and that we are healing together. I want to tell you Woman that I am here, that I listen to us, that I feel us...
Lucia
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